Memories...

Today I received an e-mail from a friend who's youngest child started preschool today. Seeing his smiling face with his new backpack reminded me of my daughter's first day of preschool and I set out in search of a picture I knew I had that documented the occasion.

Because my husband is German we sent our daughter to a German preschool. They accepted kids from 2 years old and up. After two years of screaming, not sleeping, hyperactivity, and horribly short naps I was ready to cut the apron strings. At the time I thought she was ready too.

I mean, she had grown from a 21 inch 8 pound (11 ounce) screaming blob to a toddler. (I can't even remember her weight or height at that age. It was off the charts, though, I remember that.) To me she seemed practically grown up. Did it occur to me that she wasn't even two yet? (She started at the school 6 days before her second birthday.) Did it occur to me that she had never actually been away from me before? That she didn't speak German and her English wasn't so good either? Nope.

I was soooo ready for a break that I made whatever deal I needed to with my conscience in order to drop her "high energy" self off at the school. I see that picture of her first day now and I cringe. She was so small. My God the kid barely had any hair! She couldn't even say school! (In German or English!) But I dropped her off and made a break for it. I only got as far as the nearest Safeway, but I didn't care. For the first time in her short life I was able to go to the store by myself.

There was no screeching. There was no grabbing of things off of the shelves. I didn't need to run from aisle to aisle like Supermarket Sweep and throw things into the cart haphazardly. I didn't care what I bought, I just needed food and FAST before she lost her noodle! A trip to the grocery store usually ended with me all sweaty and her screaming and crying at the indignity of being strapped into a grocery cart for all of 20 minutes. I left that store that first day of German school with a smile on my face.

I wasn't sweating and I had actually bought things on my list! I packed the groceries into the car and was heading home when I noticed that my cell phone had three messages on it. All from the school. Claudia apparently wasn't adjusting as well as I was.

So that first day she lasted 40 minutes. It would have been less if I would have answered the first call. It is hard to remember a time when my daughter was that attached to me.

This morning she got a ride with a friend to school and was chanting, "I'm a big girl! I get to go to school without you!" while jumping up and down. I realize that my purpose as her mother is to turn her into an independent adult who leaves the nest in search of a life of her own. I try my damnedest to make sure that she can do that someday.

But does it have to be today? I shouldn't have wished away her "toddler" years so quickly. Thank God I have that picture of her first day of German school to remind me how cute she is and how important she is in my life. And I know that some day, in the not so distant future, I'll be staring at her first day of kindergarten photo wondering where the time went. I'm looking forward to getting from here to the first day of Jr. High and High School and college. I just need to pay a little bit more attention to the journey and not just the goal.